Death Wish
by potionsmaster
Summary: Blake Shepard was faced with the unthinkable on a mission: choose between two squad mates. Who lives, who dies. Before he can make the decision, fate decides for him. Dealing with the aftermath is harder than he ever imagined it would be. (These are one-shots on AO3, but I'll post them all in one story here. Each chapter is a stand alone piece.) **Major Character Death**
1. Loss

_**Loss**_ , by potionsmaster

Rating: M for Major Character Death

A/N: I don't apologize for the angst-fest. Read at your own risk

Summary: " _At the temple there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read loss, only feel it…"_ ~ Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden

For BardofHeartDive

* * *

Numb.

We're numb.

Ash and I, we're just...sitting. In the comm room, at the stern of the _Normandy_ on the CIC. Everyone else left us alone. And there's nothing to say anymore. Nothing left _to_ say. Empty words for an empty chair. An empty chair that should be filled. It's between me and the gunnery chief.

 _Kaidan_.

Staff Lieutenant Alenko. Head of the marine detail, field medic. Biotic, like me. Tech expert. Quirky sense of humor. Kind brown eyes that crinkled in the outer corner whenever he smiled or laughed. My best friend. And now he's gone.

...I couldn't even bring back his tags for his family.

I'm a failure. Failed to keep my squad safe. Failed to get everybody home. And failed to bring back the thing that means so much to a family. Stupid little piece of metal. Command will give them a copy, so they have some kind of closure. They won't know the difference. But I will.

" _Commander, do you read me?...The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We've taken heavy casualties. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time...Negative, it's too hot! We'll hold them off as long as we - "_

Williams looks at me, eyes bright with unshed tears.

" _Chief...we've spotted a troop ship inbound at your location!"_

I stare back at her, blank. His voice will haunt us. Me. I used to tease her that she was sweet on him; I overheard a vid-call between her and her sister about a news clip that featured the crew and there was some speculation as to the 'cuteness factor' of the male variety serving on board. I have to say, I agreed with their assessment of Kaidan. I didn't mind losing out the top slot to him. He won the gene pool lottery, that's for certain. The best part was how completely unaware of it he was...it was endearing as hell. Made him approachable, too. If I hadn't been his CO, and hell...if he had shown any kind of inclination of interest besides friendship...

"Dismissed, Chief."

No sense thinking like that. He only ever talked about adventurous women and that Turkish girl at BAaT whenever the crew shot the shit around the mess and relationship talk came up.

"Shepard, I -"

"Just _go_ , Ash. I need to report to the Council, anyway." I look down at my hands, heard her boots retreat and the soft swish of the automatic doors shutting behind her. I sit for a few minutes longer, eyeing the chair to my right. Sometimes I thought there might have been something underneath the surface between us, but I suppose it was just wishful thinking on my part. Not like he'd be interested, anyway. I bury my face in my hands, leaning my elbows on my knees as I replayed my failure. His last Tali and Wrex were silent as we jogged to the coordinates being transmitted to my omni-tool from Kaidan's; the salarians were getting savaged. Even with him as support. I could hear the strain and fatigue as he radioed in when we were setting the nuke at the site. Then the comms cut out and I got worried. The radio crackled again in my helmet and I threw my hand up in a fist, signaling the squad to stop moving.

"Chief...we've spotted a troop ship inbound at your location!"

There was an edge in his clipped tones. One I had never heard before. One I never would again.

"It's already here!" Ashley cried, panicked gunfire on her end. "And it's bleeding geth all over the bomb site!"

"Can you hold them off?" I cut in, starting to move to Kaidan's location once more. Tali and Wrex shared a nervous look.

"There's too many! I don't think we can hold 'em!" she responded. "I'm activating the nuke!"

I stopped dead, dumbfounded. The other two ran into my back, not expecting the sudden lack of movement.

"What're you _doing_ , Chief?" Once we were back on the ship, I planned to let her have it. What a stupid move; of all the -

"Making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what!"

" _Williams!"_ I could only pace back and forth, helpless. Heavy gunfire was bleeding through both of their comm lines.

"It's done, Commander, go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here! "

"Belay that!" the lieutenant snapped, "We can handle ourselves; go back and get Willi - AAUUGH!"

" _KAIDAN!_ "

I jerked viscerally at his cry of pain and checked his HUD stats; medi-gel reserves were depleting rapidly. Shields were down and the damage threshold was rapidly being eaten up.

"I'm...I'm hit, Commander..."

"How bad?" I demanded, mashing my medi-gel release button on his squish skin. I watch the counter tick to zero as the under-armor applied it.

"Multiple sites...gut shot, my left arm isn't responding. Think it's in the shoulder?" He coughed, rough, wet, and thick. Perforated lung. "...there's only one choice now," he wheezed. Shots fired in the background.

"Fuck that, I'm coming for you. Barriers up, LT. Just hold on!" I start jogging again. "Ash, keep them off that nuke. We'll be there in three minutes, starting count-"

" _Blakely_." That caught my attention, nobody ever called me by my first name. "There's no time. Go - Go get Ash and…"

I swallowed hard and turned on my heel. He was a dead man talking, we both knew it.

"Williams. Radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site." I was cold all over. The three of us broke into a run. If I remembered correctly, there had been a ten minute timer on the bomb. Two had already been spent deliberating.

"Yes, Commander, I -"

She faltered, gravity of the situation slowly hitting.

" -It's the right choice, and you _know_ it, Ash."

"Kaidan, I'm so sorry…" she whispered. Explosions in the distance. Sounded like one of the fuel pods got hit.

"Chief. Joker. _Now,_ " I growled, trying to raise one of the heavy flood doors back to her location. Her comm went to static as she switched channels. "LT…"

"Hey, Commander…"

"I thought I told you before. I hate 'Blakely'. Call me Blake."

He snorted, then coughed at the effort.

"Blake. Heh. Helluva ride. I just wanted to say - "

More wet, rasping coughs broke through my headset.

"Just take it easy, Kaid. We're coming back for you, I just got stuck behind a door."

"You're a terrible liar. We both know that's not gonna happen."

It was quieter on his end, white noise and radio hiss filling the silence instead of gunfire.

"Just a minor setback, Kaidan, that's all. Dr Chakwas is going to read you the riot act for this, you know that, right?"

"Pff. More like...she'll rip into us both. Stupid, really...should never've -" More coughing and wheezing. "I'm…"

"Stay with me, LT." We broke through the doors. Wrex was a destructive force of nature, biotics flaring with an almost phosphorescent glare. He bellowed and charged headfirst into the fray, Tali's shotgun providing the punctuation to his hits. My skin prickles with dark energy as I ready my own blue blaze of hell.

"Kaidan?" A drop of ice hit the bottom of my stomach and spread its awful tendrils. Silence on the comms. "Lieutenant!" I snapped, " _Report_!"

Nothing.

Nothing but my pulse rushing in my ears, breath ragged in my helmet. My heart raced and I tried to breathe normally, tried to calm it. He always helped, and now he wasn't going to be there. I needed help to control it, keep my heart rate from going too hard and fast, and now he was...gone. Numbness set in, making my limbs wooden and heavy.

"...Kaidan?"

He's not there.

And I'm at a loss.


	2. Matters of the Heart

_**Matters of the Heart**_ , by potionsmaster

A/N: we needed some lighter fare. That being said, I will still rip your heart out.

Summary: Blakely remembers some bittersweet memories and possibly missed opportunities

* * *

"Hold _still_ , Commander, you really need to -"

"- Re _lax_ , Kaidan, I'm fine. Just...a little breathless."

Ashley pulled off her helmet, hair sticking to her sweaty forehead while I ineffectively tried to bat the lieutenant away. He fixed me with a 'look' and put his hand on my chestplate, preventing me from getting up off the crate in the warehouse we were currently housed in. He was a lot stronger than he looked.

"You need to sit still and let me look at you. This isn't normal. Even for you."

Astute, too.

Anderson really knew what he was doing when he chose Kaidan for head of the marine detail. We were lucky enough that he was a whiz as a field medic, too. If he didn't like being in the field so much, 'getting his hands dirty', as he called it, I would have been willing to bet my Star of Terra from the Blitz that he would have been a doctor or surgeon. He loomed over me, omni-tool glowing orange as he did a body scan. Close enough I could smell the mint from his toothpaste and clean sweat trickling down his temple. It was hard to breathe normally.

"Your heart rate is elevated and doesn't seem to be going back to normal ranges. We've been sitting here for over five minutes…"

"So?"

I received another 'look' and he crossed his arms over his chest.

"So your BPM is 113 and has been ever since we stopped moving. You're tachycardic and that's worrying me. You need to go to Dr Chakwas after we get back on the ship."

Ash rolled her eyes.

"English, LT. You're such an egghead."

"It just means our illustrious lieutenant here makes my heart go all a-flutter when he dotes upon me. I'm breathless in anticipation," I panted. I didn't want to tell him how lightheaded I was, though he could probably guess.

"Hilarious. Both of you," he grumbled, pursing his lips as he closed down his omni-tool. I forced myself to breathe deeply and slow it down, concentrating on counting. _In, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four_. Kaidan eyed me surreptitiously and didn't say anything, toying with his own helmet. "Ash, go prep the Mako to move. Mission objective's met and as soon as Shepard's ready, we'll go."

The gunnery chief glanced between the lieutenant and I.

"Yes, sir…" she said cautiously, slinking away. Kaidan sat next to me on the crate, sighing tiredly.

"Commander," he started, "I'm concerned. I've been noticing a worrisome trend in your biostats on missions lately."

"I'm _fine_ , Kaidan, I promise," I replied, finally catching my breath again. Blessed relief. I inhaled deeply, air filling my lungs and making me almost light-headed again for a different reason. "Nothing I can't handle."

"No offense, Commander, but your stats beg to differ."

I glanced at him, his steady gaze holding mine, a little furrow between his eyebrows. I sighed again, glad for the ability to take in a large breath.

"Your concern is noted. I'm telling you it's nothing. If it happens again, I'll go see Dr Chakwas. Until then - " I put my helmet on and stood up, " - let it go, LT."

After a moment he got up, too, and pursed his lips again.

"On your orders, sir. But I still think you need to get checked."

* * *

Of all the things I was expecting when I came out of Engineering, seeing Kaidan pinned face down by Ashley on the mats was not one of them. Nor was seeing Wrex chortling about it on the sidelines. Even Garrus had taken a break from calibrating the Mako's cannons and was hooting at them, greasy towel slung over his shoulder.

"Give up, LT?" she grunted between gritted teeth. He put up a half-hearted struggle, laughing himself. She leaned on his arm and used her feet to keep his legs spread, preventing him from being able to shake her off.

"Uncle," he laughed, voice muffled. I leaned on the lockers next to Wrex, watching in amusement. Ash was pretty vicious in hand-to-hand. Came with her feeling like she had to prove herself constantly.

"What was that?"

She leaned closer, putting more pressure on his arm.

" _Ow_ , Ash...Uncle!"

He was still laughing at her, but trying to hide it. It wasn't working very well. She released his arm and sat back on his rump, crossing her arms with a 'humph' of satisfaction.

"That's what I thought, LT. Pay up," she smirked as she got up. I raised my eyebrows in surprise; she slapped his butt cheek while he picked himself off the mat and he twisted away from her, ears pink. That was...new. I made a note to keep an eye on it.

"Yeah, yeah...I let you win," he retorted. He came over to where I was and opened his locker. "Hey, Commander. How's it going?" I moved out of his way. Garrus lost interest and turned back to the Mako. Wrex went over to the gunnery chief and started talking about how she should have headbutt him.

"Better now that I had that show," I chuckled. Kaidan pulled his pistol and removed the ammo mod, then slid the clip home. "How long did it take her to get you? Thirty seconds?"

"More like ten minutes. But I was going easy on her…" He rolled his eyes but smiled as he tossed the mod to her. "Wouldn't want to kill her confidence, y'know?"

" _Ha!_ ", she cackled, catching it. "You wish, LT. This little beauty will come in handy...Thanks!" She scampered off.

"That so. Want a real challenge?" I offered. He glanced at me, considering. "No holding back. Biotics fair game."

"Yeah...alright," he said cautiously, ears pink again. "If you're up for it, I mean. If you have other things to do…" I grinned at him and backed up into the open cargo hold, mat giving a little under my boots.

"Bring it, Kaid."

He came at me, fast and low, and barreled his shoulder into my abdomen. The breath was almost knocked out of me as our bodies collided; he hit like a damn krogan. My instinct was to bull straight back into it and try to force him to give ground, but I fought that. He'd be expecting the resistance. Instead, I wrapped my arms around him and stepped to the side, using his momentum to swing him 'round and off balance. It did the trick; he was tossed off and the look of surprise on his face was priceless.

"So that's how it's gonna go…" he chuckled before lobbing a blue ball of energy at me. It smacked into my barrier, fizzing and popping as it dissipated. I could tell this was going to be fun.

* * *

Kaidan lingered in the mess, dallying over his umpteenth cup of coffee. He seemed agitated.

"Something bothering you, Lieutenant?" I asked. He plunked down in one of the chairs and stared into his coffee mug.

"I...I guess, Commander. Maybe a little."

I stuffed the rest of my bagel in my mouth and dusted the crumbs off my hands.

"Shoot, LT," I said around the mouthful. He shook his head and bit the inside of his cheek.

"About the mission the other day…"

"What about it?" I sat down next to him and he chewed on his bottom lip a moment, fiddling with the handle to his mug.

"I just...it bothers me that you didn't see Dr Chakwas like I, um. Asked you to."

"I'm telling you, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, but Commander -"

" - when it's just the two of us, one on one, you can use my actual name, you know."

" - um, alright. Blakely." He rotated his mug in his hands again. Almost nervous.

"Blake. _Blakely_ is just awful."

That earned me a tight smile and another turn of the coffee cup in his hands.

"Blake. Heh. Okay. The thing is, the first few times I noticed it, I didn't really think anything of it except we'd been running hard and your biotics were going constantly. And it hasn't happened every time, only occasionally, but…"

He shook his head. I waited patiently, folding my hands in front of me.

"Look, Commander -"

" - Blake."

" - Blake. Something's up, and you need to get it checked out before it gets serious." Kaidan stopped messing with his mug and looked me dead in the eyes. Earnest. "I…" Hard swallow. "...worry about you."

I exhaled slowly through my nose. His eyes were bright and that furrow was between his brows again. The man absolutely dripped sincerity. If I didn't know any better, I would have sworn he was trying to flirt.

"Thank you for your concern, Kaidan, but it's really nothing to worry about. Trust me, I know."

"You 'know'?" He gave me a shrewd look. "I wondered..."

"About?"

"Well, forgive me for being blunt, but you didn't act dumb when I said 'tachycardia'."

"Yep." I winked at him. "Williams might not know what it is, but I heard it often enough growing up. Faster than normal heart beat. I, uh...had a congenital issue as a kid. Heart murmur. Gave me a little bit of trouble with arrhythmia. I grew out of it, though...I appreciate your concern."

"Huh." Kaidan chewed on his lower lip again, processing the new information. I nudged him with my elbow, trying to break the serious mood.

"I worry about you, too, y'know. With your migraines and all."

His ears flushed a delicate pink and he dropped his gaze back down to his coffee. It's almost cute.

"Fully functioning human being, Shepard," came the muttered response.

I chuckled at that.

"Same, Kaidan. Same…"

* * *

We were running hard. Trying to get through the colony as fast as we could, spare the colonists. Not their fault they were unwitting science experiments. My heart pounded in my chest, blood rushing in my ears. My breath came heavy, but normal. Controlled. I checked my HUD stats: BPM: 135. High, but not outlandishly so. Not for being in the middle of a firefight, at least.

Kaidan was on my six when we went into the underground bunker; so was Garrus. We fought through wave after endless wave of those horrible Thorian creeper-zombie things and a clone of an asari. BPM: 142. We cut down another connection node to the Thorian, causing a huge roar and another clone to come at us. Another fire fight with a biotic light show ensued. I got hit with a wave of dizziness at the end of it, rotting stench of loam and putrid meat overwhelming my filter in my helmet. BPM: 147. Something brushed my arm and I whipped around, coming face to face with the lieutenant. He grabbed my elbow and braced his arm under mine, almost holding me up.

"Doing ok, Commander?" he asked, face studiously blank behind his face guard. I grinned at him.

"Doing fine, LT, thanks for asking."

He gave a curt nod after a moment and moved away. I fought the lightheaded feeling that threatened again after he let go of me and I had to support myself again. BPM: holding steady at 146. Garrus didn't even spare a glance at us as he took point and peppered more of the weird, transmogrified humans with rounds. The Thorian crashed to the bottom of the pit, releasing what looked to be another asari clone.

Except this one was different.

Kaidan kept close by me while we questioned her. She wasn't a clone, she was Matriarch Benezia's acolyte: Shiala. And she had the key to unlock the visions from the beacon. She said the only way to give it to me was to join our minds, like I previously had with Liara.

" _Try to relax, Commander. Slow, deep breaths...let go of your physical shell. Reach out to grasp the threads that bind us...one to another. Every action sends ripples across the galaxy. Every idea must touch another mind to live. Each emotion must mark another's spirit. We are all connected, every living being united in a single, glorious existence. Open yourself to the universe...Embrace Eternity!"_

Unlike with Liara, Shiala was a brute force to be reckoned with. Her mind latched onto mine, battering it with feathers made of razor steel, sifting through my thoughts and assaulting places it thought it could break. My pulse started to rise the more I resisted the invasion. I couldn't help it; the more she pried at my mind, the faster I started to breath. White static and blood red filled my head.

"Commander!"

Kaidan's voice sounded like it was underwater, muted and slow. I gasped. Couldn't breath. Blood rushed through my ears, heart beat thumping faster and faster, chasing itself around my body. It couldn't keep up. Gray started to eat my vision, the firelight carved down to points. I floated through the air.

"Grab him, Garrus! Get his helmet off!" Kaidan's panicked face drifted above mine, voice echoing. Needed air...couldn't breathe. "BPM is 155 and climbing! _Blake!_ Stay with me, Commander - "

The last thing I saw was Kaidan's face above mine, tight with worry. He clutched at the clasps on my hardsuit. Then darkness.

* * *

I woke up what I could only assume had been hours later on one of the beds in med-bay. My throat felt like someone had taken sandpaper to it, tongue thick against the roof of my mouth.

"Dr Chakwas? I think he's waking up."

The familiar rasp sounded as exhausted as I felt.

"Take it easy...there we go, go slow, Commander…"

 _Kaidan_.

He was there, helping me sit up and being careful of the IV lines. The tape pinched my arm and I winced. He gave me a sympathetic look before he stepped back and looked at the read-outs from the monitors next to the bed.

"How's our patient, Lieutenant?" Dr Chakwas stood in front of me, stern look on her face. I gave her a wan smile and coughed.

"All's hell that ends well," I choked out after a few tries. He pursed his lips and handed me a cup of water with a straw.

"Easy now, Commander, go slow...BPM 58, Doc. Holding steady."

"Excellent." She crossed her arms and leaned against the foot of the bed. "This was incredibly troubling, Shepard. While you were out, I reviewed your previous medical history and it corroborated with what Kaidan told me you admitted to him. Heart problems are nothing to make light of, Commander, and the fact that you grew out of them when you were a pre-teen is encouraging. But judging by the bio-statistics gathered from your hardsuit and Kaidan's observances of you in the field, I can no longer ignore it. I'm going to have to report to Parliament and Command that you're physically unfit for duty."

I took another swallow of the tepid water and grimaced.

"Doc, no...you can't…"

"I can and I _will_ , Shepard. The only reason you were allowed to join the military at _all_ was because you hadn't had a recurrence for at minimum the two years before you enlisted. If you had, you would have been politely told 'no'. Medical discharge is not a death sentence, you know."

I looked over at Kaidan. He had his arms crossed as well, and his forehead was furrowed in concentration. I focused back on the doctor.

"In this case, it is, Doc. You don't understand...People will _die_ if you take me out of this war! The galaxy is on the brink of an extinction event. I'm the only one who's tracking Saren, and who knows about the Reapers! Kaidan, tell her…"

He sighed, glancing between us.

"He's right...The Council has done everything in their power to keep word of the Reapers from reaching the public, and the Alliance hasn't exactly been forthcoming with support, either." He bit the inside of his cheek and shook his head. "And he's the _only_ one who has the visions and the cipher to interpret them. We need 'im."

"But I have to let Captain Anderson - "

" _No_." I swung my legs over the side of the bed, head swimming. Kaidan rushed to my side, offering a supportive arm to lean on. "Get this damn thing out of my arm - " Another small coughing fit wracked my ribcage. He waited patiently for it to quiet, then removed the IV. I wished every medic I had the misfortune to meet had been as gentle as Kaidan. " - _Fuck_. No word of this gets back to the brass. They'll yank me faster than a salarian can blink. This _has_ to stay quiet. Help me manage it until the end of the mission. Then you can kick my ass from here to Arcturus."

"So what do we do?" Dr Chakwas sighed, beaten. "We need a plan, and then a contingency plan just in case." Ever practical.

"Y'know, there are breathing exercises that could help…" Kaidan mumbled. She looked at him.

"How do you mean?"

He glanced at me and licked his lips before responding.

"A while back, I noticed when we were talking, Commander, that you were breathing and tapping your fingers for a count. Trying to slow it all down. It helped, just a little, but if we could do a more guided approach during episodes…"

Dr Chakwas pinched her lips together, brooding.

"It _could_ work...worth a shot, anyway. I'll need you with him almost constantly. Just in case something like this happens again. The _second_ anything starts looking out of the ordinary, page me. I'll keep the records on the side, as much as I can. If there's an inquiry, though, there's not much I'll be able to do without actively falsifying data."

"Aye, aye, ma'am."

"Excuse me, don't I get a say in this?" I interrupted. They both shot me a 'look'.

"No." Dr Chakwas snapped, crossing her arms over her chest again. "You want it kept quiet? Do what I say. Then _maybe_ we'll all come out of this alive. Now get out of my med-bay and into bed, Commander. You're off duty for at least another 24 hours. Kaidan? Make sure he does it."

* * *

"Just breathe, Shepard…"

The words are a whisper, burned into my memory. BPM: 105. I'm helpless. Liara's holding her mother's body and staring off into the void. The battle was harsh, quick, and brutal. I had never gotten caught in a stasis field so strong before and I saw Kaidan's look of alarm as he ducked for cover from the commandos. He shouted something, but I couldn't hear him. I couldn't move, my heart rate skyrocketed, biotic field crackling and biting all over my skin. The beats increased at an alarming rate and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it but listen.

I had activated my own, shoving the biotic field outwards, trying to find chinks and weakness in the stasis. My biotics clashed with the matriarch's, eventually dissipating it. As soon as I had broken free, I fell to the ground. BPM: 139. Strong hands propped me up behind cover.

 _Kaidan_.

He was there, crouched in front of me and holding my helmet to focus on him. Our eyes locked, his dark ones burning with an intensity I'd never seen completely focused on me before. My heartbeat jumped again and I clutched his arm, trying to catch my breath.

"In for a four count, out for a five, Commander. Breathe with me."

He inhaled slowly, tapping out the count on my pauldron. I shook my head, gasping.

" _Blake_. Try again." He shot a look over his shoulder, checking to make sure Garrus didn't need support. Wrex was taunting a few commandos where he was bunkered on the other side of the room. Thank god Squad Two had been able to follow us. "Stay with me, Commander, you've got this…" Slow, steady taps on my chest plate this time, right above my heart. BPM: 125. I nod at him and released my grip on his bracer.

I could tell the lieutenant was concerned; he took point and kept the geth and asari commandos at bay with truly impressive feats, Garrus sniping them in support. Biotics flashed constantly, blue hell unleashed. By the time the battle was over, I had recovered enough to talk to Benezia and the rachni queen, while Kaidan stood watch over Liara and the matriarch's body with his pistol ready, a silent guardian against another potential attack. I could feel his gaze boring into my hardsuit. Maybe a guardian against more than another geth assault...

Liara had hidden her face in my shoulder as Kaidan and Wrex moved the body and I rubbed useless circles on her back, like I had briefly after we rescued her. She pressed her ear above my chestplate.

"It's faster than I remember," she whispered before letting go and sitting next to the body. "Like...a little bird's wings, trapped in a cage."

Kaidan and I locked eyes over the prone asari forms in the belly of the Mako as we slowly drove back to Port Hashan. BPM: 111. He mouthed one word.

" _Breathe_ …"

* * *

I always liked being on the bridge in the middle of the nightcycle; nobody was around. It was quieter. Darker. Almost cozy, even. The vastness of the starfield, the glow surrounding the ship as we traveled FTL...amazing. Nothing else like it. I sighed, arms crossed across my chest while I looked out the view ports. It was easy to feel insignificant in comparison.

"Commander…?"

I turned around, startled. Kaidan was standing behind me, uncertain look on his face. We were the only two souls on deck.

"I-I didn't mean to scare you…" he faltered, rubbing the back of his hand across his forehead. "It's my turn for night watch. The VI does most of the work; I'm just monitoring systems and making sure we don't crash into planets."

"You're fine, Kaidan. I was just admiring the stars. Taking a quiet moment when I could," I replied, moving out of the way.

"Yeah...beautiful view." He slid into the copilot's seat. "I like watching them, too. It's peaceful. Really makes you think...it's so _big_ , and we're so small in comparison, but...yeah. Anyway."

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. Apparently we shared similar thoughts. His face was tired in the shadows, orange glow from the navigation panel throwing it in soft relief. The skin around his eyes was pinched.

"You doing alright?" I asked gently. His dark eyes glittered in the low light when he looked at me.

"Yeah. Just a little headache. This'll pass. I should be asking _you_ that, though."

"I'm ok, Kaidan. I appreciate the concern." We stared at the galaxy together in comfortable silence for a few moments before I sighed. "I should go...busy day tomorrow." I gave one last look out the view ports before heading down the CIC. Kaidan sighed and settled back in the deep seat.

"See you, Shepard."

He sounded almost disappointed. Hm. My footsteps seemed louder than usual in the emptiness. The mess was deserted when I went passed it to my quarters. I had a brief thought and stopped right before my door, then turned around and went to the coffee machine. What the hell, might as well. Night watch could get rather lonely.

The two mugs left a trail of steam through the CIC as I passed the heat load monitors and back up to the bridge.

"Kaidan…?"

He twisted in the copilot chair, grin splitting his face in surprise.

"Hey, Commander! What brings you back up here? I thought you'd be hitting the racks."

I handed him a mug before dropping carefully into Joker's seat, blowing on my own to cool it off a bit.

"Yeah, but I'm not that tired and I thought you could use the company. Stay with you awhile."

I couldn't be sure, but it looked like the lieutenant's ears flushed as he checked his console for a moment. It must've been a trick of the orange lighting in the dark; when he looked up at me a moment later, there was no trace.

"I'd like that."

* * *

I was laid out on a pile of rubble in the ruined remains of the Tower on the Citadel, bruised ribs aching. Heartbeat thundering in my ears. I was barely able to catch a breath. Gray miasma sparkled in my peripheral as my vision field narrowed down to pinpricks. BPM: 157. I was on the verge of passing out, I knew it. I needed help. A gauntleted hand grabbed mine and squeezed, no doubt trying to be reassuring.

"COMMANDER!"

The words echoed dully in my head, fighting with my pulse crashing around. I twined my fingers through theirs, grasping them as I fought to steady myself. It wasn't working.

 _Kaidan_.

No, not Kaidan. The hand was too small, too slender. _He wasn't there._ The wrong brown eyes peered at me behind the face shield. _Ashley_.

" _Breathe_ , Skipper! You did it...You stopped the bastards...Just take it easy, Shepard, _breathe_ …"


	3. Saints of Us All

_**Saints of Us All**_ , by potionsmaster

Rating: T for language, major character death

Summary: " _Death makes angels of us all/ And gives us wings on our shoulders/ Where we were smooth as ravens' claws…" ~_ Jim Morrison

* * *

The air is biting cold, stinging my cheeks. I can't feel the tip of my nose. Welcome to Vancouver in winter. Raindrops lash at my officer's overcoat and dress blues as I stand at the podium. Who the hell thought having the memorial outdoors was a good idea?

"Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Aleksei Alenko was..." I swallowed hard, "...was a shining example for all of us. A true Alliance man. A Marine." The wood underneath my fingertips has a rough edge that snag my gloves as I grip the podium. It's all about the illusion, though. Smooth, unruffled. Impeccable. The white of the gloves versus the rich wood, contrasting the dark blue of the uniform. Sharp lines. Sharper salute.

"He knew his duty, and never once wavered from it. You looked at him and saw confidence. Strength. A comrade who always had your six, who always encouraged you to do the best you could and be the best you could. He was our field medic and always kept us patched up and taped together, but more than that, he -"

I freeze.

 _Kaidan_.

A drop of ice settles in the pit of my stomach and steals my breath. My words.

"Um…"

He's there.

Hiding in the back.

Moving through the crowd.

Trying not to be seen. His head is ducked and he's wearing a black trench coat with a scarf around his shoulders. I hope he feels ok; this type of weather would be a trigger for his migraines and play hell with his head.

"He was the one who...kept the team together…I mean..."

Someone coughs and snaps me out of it. I shake my head and look down at my speech notes on the podium under my hands. They have a death grip on the wood and I feel my knuckles turn cold from the lack of blood. The ink on my cards starts to blur from the rain.

"I'm sorry, I...that's not what I really wanted to say."

I look back up at the crowd and see stunned faces. His father is sitting stone-faced in the front row, his mother clutching at his arm and dabbing the corners of her eyes with a tissue. She looks faint. Ashley is giving me wide eyes, imploring me to go on.

"Well. I mean, it's all _true_. But it's rather impersonal and scripted. Like most official speeches." I shuffle the cards and sigh, shoving them to the side. A few nervous titters ripple through the crowd. "I never thought I would be giving one of these, and I apologize...Nothing can really prepare you for this."

He's on the edge of the crowd in the back again, finally stopped. I catch his gaze and hold it. I want him to hear my words. I had never directly said them to him before; it was important that he heard them now.

"When I looked at Kaidan, I saw all of those things. But more importantly, I also saw something else. I saw a friend."

Dark, soulful eyes lock with mine. Mournful. Full of regret, almost.

"Sure, he knew how to patch you up on a mission and would always get you out of a tight spot. But he would always do it with a smile on his face, and have a stupid joke or five ready to distract you while he did it."

Joker snorts into his hand. I knew he was remembering the ridiculous conversations he heard over the comms when we were planetside and doing survey missions. Kaidan had a habit of making up goofy little songs that never rhymed while we worked and wouldn't care if you heard him or not. It confused the hell out of Garrus and usually devolved into a discussion about human idioms and double entendres. The turian never fully grasped the nuance, but chalked it up to the cultural differences between our species.

"I remember after a particularly hard day and we were all banged up and freezing - uh, we had just deployed on an ice planet, not exactly a favorite of anyone's - and we were all more than a little grumpy, he shooed us out of the mess. Threatened anyone who disturbed him in the next half hour with latrine duty. There were a lot of unhappy campers, but when he finally let us back in, he had made us all a hot breakfast for dinner. Everybody's plate had their favorite. I don't know how he found out, or even remembered everyone's, but it was a little slice of home. It was just the thing to pick up everyone's spirits. And that was just one example of how big LT's heart was. I could talk for days about other things he did for people, whether they were aware of it or not."

I look down at the podium again. My plate had been hash browns, over-easy eggs, bacon, and toast slathered with butter and raspberry jam. It mystified me how he got that specific. ' _You're a saint,_ ' I told him around a full mouth. It was the best thing I'd eaten in months. ' _How did you know?_ ' He had a little smirk on his face when he sat down next to me. ' _You'll never find out,_ ' he had teased. ' _What do you know, our favorites match._ ' Almost like he was flirting.

I can't take him staring at me anymore.

"The thing about Kaidan was...you always knew he cared about you. Even if he was mad as hell at you. You knew he was coming from a place of concern when he dressed you down. And he didn't have any reservations about letting you know if he thought you were in the wrong, either." I suppressed a dry chuckle. I had been on the receiving end of that more than once, and it was impressive, to say the least. "For that, I valued his opinion, and his counsel.

"He always went the extra mile to make your life easier, or show that he thought about you. Kaidan was the first to greet our newest crew members, and talk to them about their homes. Their lives. Their culture. And he genuinely would listen."

I pause, looking over the gathering. The rain drips off the peak of my cap and splashes on the speech notes. Ruined. I don't need them, anyway. His gaze draws me in again, the rest of the people fading into gray. He gives me a small nod and smile. I knew he heard me then.

"He considered everyone he met a friend, and proved exactly how far he was willing to go for them, right up until the last. Now, I'm not a religious man, but there was one verse I kept coming back to when I was trying to figure out what to say about such a remarkable person. The more I read it, and thought about it, the more truth it held about him. And I'd like to close with that."

My fingers creak as I let go of the podium and turn to face the empty casket, Alliance and Earth flags draped over it, flowers cascading off it in a pungent waterfall and spilling onto the ground. I can practically hear him saying the scent of the lilies would give him a headache. I give a nod to the honor guard to the side, and the chief petty officer barks the command.

" _Pre_ \- sent! ARMS!"

I stiffen my jaw and salute. It's the hardest thing I've ever done.

"' _Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for friends_.' John 13:15. Rest easy, soldier. Your duty is done and your watch has ended."

" _Fire!_ "

The first volley of guns explodes to my right and I suppressed a flinch. Ashley's chin wavers in the front row, trying to be stoic.

" _Fire!_ "

The second volley cracks through the air and I'm frozen in place. Unblinking.

" _Fire!_ "

The third and final rounds echo in the distance, muted only slightly by the rain pattering down.

"Order. ARMS!"

I snap my hand back to my side and watch the honor guard fold the Alliance flag into a neat triangle. Three empty shells are tucked in as the final folds are put in place. His father doesn't say anything as I hand the flag over, voice cracking on the words I never should have had to speak.

"On behalf of President Huerta, the Systems Alliance Navy, and a grateful nation and planet, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your son's honorable sacrifice and faithful service."

A curt nod from his father in response and I force myself to drop my hands from the flag. I'm not ready for the air of finality it brings.

"Honor guard! DIS - _missed!"_

I keep my eyes averted and stand by the empty casket. Carefully, I touch my fingers to the cold, metal lid, gloves keeping a barrier between my fingertips and it. He probably would have rolled his eyes at the whole thing, saying he didn't need it, he was nothing special. But I also knew he had taken special pride in handling Liara's mother's body and making sure it was treated with the utmost respect. I don't think he realized exactly how much he meant to us. And how important it was for us to show him that same honor. I swallow the lump stuck in my throat. The _Normandy_ won't be the same without him. When I look up at the crowd milling around, he's gone.

And I feel alone.


	4. A Quick Drink

_**A Quick Drink**_ , by potionsmaster

Rating: T for language, major character death

Summary: When a ghost sits down with you to talk, you listen.

* * *

Williams had offered to sit with me at the bar, but I waved her off. I would rather be alone at the moment with my thoughts. Seeing him at the memorial earlier shook me. I know some of his family were there. Kaidan was the spitting image of his father; there's no doubt who else was a relative. They all have the same thick hair, strong jaw, and dark, piercing eyes. Captain Alenko had a few more lines on his face and silver in his hair starting at the temples. It was like looking through an aging filter for a holo app on an omni-tool. Eerie.

I take a draught of my beer. Canadian lager. Kaidan had introduced me to it and he and I would share a drink or three at whatever local watering hole we found in port during our spare time. It had grown on me more than I thought. A chill creeps over my skin as a familiar, dark shadow slides onto the stool next to me.

"Commander Shepard?"

I glance up and the breath catches in my throat.

 _Kaidan_.

"I want to apologize...I came late to the ceremony and didn't want to interrupt. I think I disturbed you anyway. It was me walking in the back…"

His voice is deeper in timbre, with a slight accent I can't quite place, but the gravel in it is Kaidan's nonetheless. Now that I see him up close, he doesn't look _exactly_ like the LT, but it's close enough to give me pause. Those thick brows are furrowed and his hand is offered. After a brief moment, I mentally shake myself and grasp his hand, so warm and alive despite the raw weather.

"Danya Alenko. Kaidan's older brother."

The handshake is a good one. Firm. Decisive. His hands are less calloused than Kaidan's were, though. Softer.

"Blake Shepard...nice to meet you. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were related." Apparently he doesn't believe me. Hell, _I_ don't believe me; a person would have to be blind not to see it. His brother scoffs and raises an eyebrow at that. "He, uh...didn't talk much about his family."

Danya snorts again.

"Unsurprising. We're not a very close-knit group of happy people, to say the least. Why are you here alone? I thought you'd be with your crew."

There's a slight edge of bitterness to his words. He takes off the black trench coat and drapes it over the back of the stool, black sweater absorbing the dim light in the room. Rain drops glisten like stars in his hair. Familiar.

"I was honoring your brother's memory. He was a fine soldier."

That's met with a nod. I turn back to the bar and take another swig.

"I'll join you. What are you drinking?"

"Uh…" I stare dumbly at my bottle.

"Is it the pisswater of a beer he claimed to love? _Aie_...could never get him to appreciate the heartier ones from the homeland. No, we are going to do it properly...буфетник! [1]"

My eyebrows raise as he lifts a hand, waving at a server. A barkeep comes over and tosses a towel over his shoulder, looking expectantly at the two of us.

"Six shots of горілка [2]." The man blinks at him. " _Vodka_. Sorry."

Six shot glasses are set up on the bar in front of us and filled with the clear liquor. We each take one in hand.

"I'm sorry, but...I don't recognize the language. Where are you from?"

"The Federation of the European and Soviet North Asian Continent. What culturally is Ukraine, to be more specific."

"I see," I nod, "Should've guessed from your last name. That was another thing Kaidan failed to mention. I never heard him speak it, and he didn't have an accent."

"Not to worry, Commander. And he never spoke it, not really. We grew up separately. My mother kept me in Kiev and his mother kept him in Vancouver."

I nod again, ears burning. Feels like I should have known that.

"To Kaidan, may he rest peacefully…" I start to raise my glass and feel a jolt when Danya stops me, hand on my arm. He shakes his head.

"Немає. [3] Forgive me, Commander, but you never toast the dead. Only to the glory and health of the living. We use death to celebrate life. Будьмо [4], Commander."

He raises his shot glass.

"You respond 'ГЕЙ! [5]', by the way. We do this three times. No clinking, though...bad luck."

"Alright…"

"And so: Будьмо!"

"Hey!" I reply, somewhat self-consciously. We tip the shots back and place the empty glasses on the bar in front of us. "So...I'm curious. Were you guys close at all? I don't mean to be rude; I honestly didn't know he had any siblings. Are there more of you?"

Danya smiles sardonically at the shot he's twirling on the bar between his fingers.

"There could be. You'd have to ask my father on that. He apparently had a habit of wandering, hence Kaidan being from a different woman. Mama always said it was for the best, though, and she got the better end of the deal. I don't think she liked Kaidan very much, even though he never did anything to her. Besides exist, that is."

"Oh...That's...wow..."

"The older he got, the more we talked. And by 'talk', I mean we would send emails. Especially after he returned from Zero Jump. He needed somebody then. Papa definitely wasn't available."

"Yeah...he said it had been rough going." I think back to the SR-1 and the 'personal debriefings' we had, as Kaidan liked to call them. He always would get a faraway look in his eye and close up if we touched on something he didn't want to, saying it was his own personal baggage and that he was a fully-functioning human being, no need to worry about him. If I had known then what I know now… We toast again and take the second shot, vodka burning all the way down.

"I have to admit, you are not exactly what I expected, Commander."

"Oh?" My curiosity piques. "How so?"

"Well, the way Kaidan talked about you, I thought sunshine would be blasting out your ass. Turns out you're human, like the rest of us."

"Ex _cuse_ me?" I look at him, incredulous. The corners of his eyes crinkle in an achingly familiar manner, amusement glittering in his dark eyes.

"From what he wrote, I mean. You could do no wrong in his eyes. Not surprising, though. You were the great hero of humanity on Elysium during the Blitz, first human Spectre...and now we can add the savior of the Citadel to the list. It's unfortunate he didn't live to see that accomplishment, either. And you're biotic, like he was. I've never seen him so infatuated with anyone before. Even that girl, Rahna, didn't have him in such a state."

I stare at the man who wears Kaidan's face, my own slack with shock. LT? Infatuated with me?

"ось лайно [6]...You didn't know."

It was a statement, not a question.

"I can only apologize again, Commander. I assumed...by the way you spoke of him, I thought there must have been some reciprocal…" He shakes his head, angry with himself. The words tumble out of his mouth, accent getting stronger. "I didn't mean to offend. I know some men, especially military, don't always appreciate it when another man is interested in them -"

"- It's ok, it really -"

"- hope you don't think less of my brother because of -"

"- It's fine, please...I would never -"

"- father never forgave him for it."

" _What?_ " My jaw drops at that. Danya slouches his shoulders and leans on the bar, not looking at me.

"I have said too much. Пробач мені, командувач [7]. It was not my place to tell…"

"No, it's - it's fine. Please continue. I wish I'd known. Actually, I wish he'd told me. I - "

I can't speak properly, I'm so flustered. If only, if only, if only. I remember my mother saying, ' _If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride, Blake. Nothing good ever comes of 'what if'...'_ Dark eyes meet mine again, familiar serious look on his face. I feel sick. Oh, Kaidan...why didn't he _say_ anything...

"I see…thought maybe...because of the way _you_ were talking about him earlier today…" He sighs heavily. "It doesn't matter what I think. And I would tell him as much, too. Told him as long as he found happiness, I didn't care who it was. Papa always was harsh on him. At least I was away from him growing up. Keeping the fire away from the straw, yes?"

"Uh, sure…" I chew on my bottom lip, processing what he's saying. 'What if' keeps looping in my head. _What if, what if, what if.._.

"Pff. All you have to do is look at our names to see exactly how he felt about us." He shifts on the stool, toying with the last remaining shot again. It reminds me of Kaidan in the mess with his coffee mug; LT never could sit idle if he could help it. Danya glances at my confused face and gives a mirthless smile.

" _Kaidan_ is a derivative of кайдани [8]. Means 'shackles'. Mine? Даня? Means 'Gift from God.' Not hard to figure out."

My heart aches. What an awful thing to saddle your child with.

"Damn, that's…" I shake my head, dumbfounded. There's nothing I can say.

"Papa had his head up his ass," Danya grumbles. " _Has_. I shouldn't - he hasn't changed, is what I am trying to say. I was supposed to be the one who followed him in the Alliance and kept up the family name and tradition. I had no interest while growing up, no matter how hard he pushed; he was gone all the time on deployment and when he was home, he still wasn't very present. And then when I was eight, Mama gets a call and I have a new baby brother. Through the years, Kaidan was lonely and wished we lived closer. Talked about joining the Alliance after Zero Jump, even after all they did to him. He just wanted Papa's approval for once...nothing he did was ever right. I was surprised Papa wasn't angrier about the...the _incident_. Maybe he finally realized Kaidan was his son and not some annoyance he had to deal with."

The shot glass twirls in his fingers, rhythmic and soothing, glass scraping on the bar. _Snk, snk, snk, snk_. It's tapping out a count. _Breathe_. In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four, five.

"I can only apologize again...I spoke too much."

 _Snk, snk, snk, snk_.

"No, it's fine. I'm...glad you told me. I, uh. Wish I'd known a bit more, actually. We never really got a chance to just sit and _talk_...the mission was everything. Even when we were off duty, work always colored it and the conversations always managed to come back to the latest intel or report. I would have really liked to talk with him, one on one."

 _Snk, snk, snk, snk._

"Heh. I know he would have liked that."

 _Snk, snk, snk, snk._

In, two, three, four, out, two, three, four, five.

 _I'd like that..._

He raised the vodka, brows furrowing. "Будьмо!"

Liquid fire races down my throat and pools in my gullet, further igniting the bitterness. What if, what if, what if. I slap my shot glass upside down on the bar and shake my head.

"What does that mean, Danya?"

He twirls the shot glass one more time between his fingers, not meeting my eyes and slams it back before speaking.

"It means ' _Shall we live forever'_ , Commander."

* * *

 _Glossary_ :

[1] bufetnyk - bartender

[2] horilka - vodka

[3] nemaye - no

[4] Bud'mo - a drinking toast

[5] Hey! - exactly what it sounds and says in English

[6] Os' layno - Oh shit

[7] Probach meni, komanduvach - Forgive me, Commander

[8] Kaydany - shackles

[9] Danya - God's gift

* * *

A/N: ooo, the feels…Disclaimer for a few things. Any and all mistakes in Ukrainian are mine and Google translates. The 'Federation of the European and Soviet North Asian Continent' is completely made up by me, and I'm going with it because the Codex says Canada, the USA, and Mexico got all lumped together into one big country. So I mushed Europe and Asia together. And as for the Ukrainian customs, I researched as much as I could, and I wasn't able to find everything specific to what I needed. However, I also think tradition would get skewed in 200 years and it wouldn't be exactly the same as it is today, so I believe I got the essence of Ukrainian funeral toast tradition ok. I hope I don't offend anybody by getting something wrong; that's not my intent


	5. Stay With Me

_**Stay With Me**_ , by potionsmaster

Rating: M for major character death, implied m/m action. Not at the same time, though….that'd be gross.

Summary: " _We do not need to grieve for the dead. Why should we grieve for them? They are now in a place where there is no more shadow, darkness, loneliness, isolation, or pain. They are home…"_ ~ Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom, John O'Donohue

A/N: Have some fluff! And, of course, I will demand my pound of flesh for each instance

* * *

"SHEPARD!"

 _Everything hurts. Heavy breathing echoing in my helmet, can't breathe, heartbeat racing, can't breathe, I need air, heart rate increasing, can't breathe can't fucking breathe can't get enough air, I need help, Kaidan, it burns! Help! HELP! I can't brea -_

* * *

I wake up with a start and I'm warm. For once. Lately, whenever I sleep, I'm always cold. What a terrible nightmare... Rhythmic puffs of air raise goosebumps on the back of my neck and a heavy arm around my middle draws me closer. My heartbeat is still pounding, but it's lessening back to normal every second. I snuggle backwards, burrowing into the safe circle of his arm.

 _Kaidan_.

He's there, tucked up behind me. Apparently happy to be there, too, from what I gather...I arch myself against him, not wanting to lose the sleepy coziness. I don't remember how we got here, or even where 'here' is, but I'm not questioning it. It's what I've been wanting. Dreaming of, even. Wishing for. And finally have.

" _Mmm_...good mornin'..."

His sleep-gruff voice purrs in my ear and he grinds himself against me, pressing a kiss against my bare shoulder. Elation swims through my gut. I still can't for the life of me remember how we got here, but it's not important. Sunlight streams through the window above the bed, blue skies and birds chirping outside. We must be away from the city; I see the tops of trees in the distance. I've never had a chance to experience Earth like this before. Maybe we're at the orchard in BC that Kaidan had mentioned.

"G'mornin'," I chuckle as I squirm around and face him, bringing us nose to nose. Dark brown eyes glow with a golden touch in the morning light, like a jar of honey held up to the sun. Beautiful...I trace a disbelieving fingertip over his strong, dark brows and he smiles at me.

"It's like you're looking at me for the first time again," he whispers.

"Aren't I?" I reply softly. He captures my hand in his slightly larger one and brings it down to his lips, kissing my knuckles.

"I suppose you are for today, maybe...we haven't gotten to tomorrow yet. Then you can look at me for the first time all over again."

"You're so weird…"

"I think the word you're looking for is 'deep'."

"No, I'm pretty sure I meant 'weird'."

"Takes one to know one, then…" He pulls me close and our lips meet in a soft caress, impossibly gentle. We roll over, him on his back and me straddling him. My heart rate goes up again when our groins press against each other, dog tags clinking softly as they dangle and drag on his chest. Kaidan pauses a moment and removes the chain from around my neck, tossing it on the nightstand with his before kissing me deeply again, both chains tangling together.

* * *

" _Commander Shepard has been recovered. Project Lazarus shall proceed as planned."_

* * *

I awaken with a jump, low murmur of hospital staff outside my room, monitors beeping softly in the background. Kaidan's there, sitting by the bed and scrolling through a datapad.

"Did...did you say something?" I ask, throat dry and scratchy.

"Hmm?"

"Project...Lazarus?"

"No…" he said softly, putting the datapad aside and sitting on the edge of the hospital bed. His fingers find mine on top of the blanket, lending their warmth to my chilled ones. "You look like death warmed over."

My laugh turns into a coughing fit before I can speak, throat drier than the deserts of Tuchanka.

"Wha...what happened?"

"You fainted…I brought you in to get checked out." He brings a cup of water up to my parched lips and I swallow gratefully.

"Dr. Chakwas…?"

My voice is too rough to ask a full question.

"Not here, Blake. She's still on the Normandy. Best thing she ever did was have us medically discharged."

"Reapers?"

"Not a worry anymore. The doctor's outside; she wants to check a few things."

"Oh...who?"

He brings the straw to my lips once more, then laces his fingers through mine again, touch light as a ghost.

"Operative Miranda Lawson."

His voice has an almost echoing quality to it. My eyelids are heavy, sinking lower and lower, and I drift off again.

* * *

My feet are cold. I wake up on a couch, knit blanket tucked carefully around my shoulders. Late afternoon sunlight filters through the partially closed blinds in bold patches on the carpet, sleek gray cat curled up to absorb the heat. I have no idea why I'm on a couch. Muffled rustlings come from the kitchen.

"...Kaidan?"

I struggle to extract myself from the blanket; somehow I'm all tangled up with my arms in it and I can't seem to get free. He pops his head around the corner, eyes crinkling the corners like they always do when he smiles.

"Having trouble there, Blakely?" he chuckles. I roll my eyes at him and stop fighting the straightjacket of a blanket.

"Fuck off," I grumble. "Or better yet, fuck over here and help me out of this mess. Did you put the blanket on me?"

Still laughing, he sits on the edge of the couch and kisses me softly. His hand is a welcome weight on my lower legs.

"Yeah. You were cold, so I tucked you in. I should've known better. How did you even manage to do that?"

"I don't even know... _ow_ , Kaidan! What the _hell_?"

Something is pinching my toes. They must've been asleep; pins-and-needles explode across my lower legs and I can't move them out of the way. Kaidan moves his hand to my other foot and the same thing happens again.

"Proprioception response sluggish still, but vastly improved since the last test. Expect full response at next testing."

I stare at him. He's got a smile on his face that doesn't match the gobbledegook he just said.

"...the fuck are you saying?"

"I _said_ , who knew your feet were so ticklish?" he chuckles, tugging at my toes. The pain is less sharp this time. "Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me." He leans forward and kisses me gently again.

* * *

My heart is pounding. I can hear it thumping, feel it thrumming in my chest. I'm breathing heavily, but controlled. Rhythmic. My skin is crawling with goosebumps and a shiver of pleasure runs down my spine, pooling below my stomach. I snap my eyes open with a gasp and stare at the dark ceiling. Soft-edged shadows dance on the blank surface, the full moon hangs low and heavy outside the window.

It takes me a moment to recognize where I am: the bedroom again. Another spark of pleasure ignites in my gut, sending it racing along my body and wrenching another gasp from my lips. Wet heat is wrapped around my arousal and I lift my head off the pillow to glance down. A lock of black hair falls loosely on his forehead, dark eyes glittering at me in the low light.

 _Kaidan._

He's there, kissing my inner thighs, tongue lapping at the base of me before he moves up and gives it a quick kiss and licks back down. His eyelashes flutter against them, gossamer touches on the sensitive skin. I reach for him clumsily and he meets my eyes again.

"Welcome back…" the sultry chuckle says. I struggle to sit up, but a warm hand slides up my stomach and chest, gently pushing me back down. His mouth envelopes me again, tongue swirling around the tip. I cover the hand on my chest with my own, lacing our fingers together and resting over my heart.

"Just breathe, Blake…" he whispers, "I got you."

* * *

Pain.

It lances through me, searing along my nerves and stealing my breath. I gasp, struggling to open my eyes against the weight of the lids. Voices meander through the air, distant but in my ear all at once.

"There. On the monitor. Something's wrong…"

Harsh lights overhead, medical equipment. Mechanical beeps and blips in the distance, coming closer as I fight to bring myself to consciousness. Med-bay? No...Kaidan had said I was medically discharged. I can't remember...His touch is cool on my forehead, reassuring.

"He's reacting to outside stimuli. Showing an awareness of his surroundings... My _god_ , Miranda...I think he's waking up."

"Dammit, Wilson, he's not ready yet. Give him the sedative!" Dr. Lawson snaps, coming over to my side. It's hard to breathe. I can't...my pulse is rushing in my ears, drowning almost everything out besides my own ragged breathing. _Need to control it...need to count._ A flash of heat races along the underside of my skin, burning. I reach out for him. Nothing.

 _Kaidan_.

"Shepard!" Dr. Lawson said, almost kindly. She grabs my wrist and places it back on the bed, patting it gently. "Don't try to move...just lie still, try and stay calm."

"Heart rate is still climbing. Brain activity is off the charts! Stats pushing into the red zone... It's not working!"

I need Kaidan. Where did he go?

"Another dose," she snaps again. "NOW."

Another rush of fire flushes through my veins, everywhere it touches pausing and becoming heavy. Their voices echo uncomfortably in my skull. Kaidan's off to the side, worried. He knows enough to stay out of the way. I can't move my head to look at him anymore, it's too heavy. Too hard to move, too much work. Wilson's voice hits my ears, bouncing and sliding off my brain. It's hard to comprehend.

"Heart rate dropping. Stats falling back into the normal range."

She's above me again, sympathetic concern on her face. Wilson keeps talking.

"That was too close...we almost lost him."

She doesn't like that at all. The venomous look she shoots him would be enough to paralyze me the rest of the way.

"I told you your estimates were off. Run the numbers again."

I blink. Something's not right. Kaidan's face is superimposed over hers as a tsunami of crushing sleepiness washes over me.

" _Stay with me…breathe..._ " he whispers, kissing my palm and placing it gently back on the bed. I try to speak.

"Kaidan…"

Everything fades to gray, then darkness.

* * *

The darkness is thin this time, the edge of dawn pushing at the blanket of shadows in the corners of the room. His head is pillowed on my shoulder, my arm around him and his hand resting on my chest. I don't know what woke me up, but having him resting with me is enough to keep whatever waiting demons in the dark at bay. His breathing is a soothing lullabye, soft, even. Steady. I realize as I drift back to sleep that I'm subconsciously matching the constant, unfaltering rhythm.

It feels good to be here, at home.

* * *

I'm groggy. In the damn hospital bed again...must've had another episode and Kaidan must've rushed my stubborn ass to the ER again. I feel myself flickering in and out of consciousness, flashes of Dr. Lawson with my chart and consulting with a nurse occasionally making it interesting. Sometimes she's standing above me, peering at my face, sometimes she's arguing with Wilson. Other times it's Kaidan standing above me, hand cupped on my cheek. I put my hand over his, IV lines pinching. I don't care. I just want to feel his skin on mine. Touch him once more.

"Take me home, Kaid," I mumble. "'M alright…"

" _You can't stay with me, Blake…Not right now. I'll be waiting for you at the end of it. You better fight like hell so I have the chance to hold you again._ "

Something shakes the bed. Muffled noises are growing in intensity. Everything hurts as I start to come to again, heartbeat starting to race the more aware I become, can't breathe, can't fucking breathe, can't get enough air, I need help, Kaidan -

"Wake up, Commander!" Dr. Lawson's voice cuts through the air like a scalpel. "Shepard, do you hear me? This facility is under attack..."


End file.
